Breaking News! Earlier today McDonald’s held a press conference at their headquarters in Chicago, Illinois shortly after closure of the stock market. After a day amid of McFurry of questions about the Shamrock Shake a local store owner broke down and admitted that stores don’t actually own a milkshake machine, In fact the few times a day when they do give out shakes is always after Hector went on a Frosty run to Wendys. When asked why the company would lie about Milkshakes all these years, the president replied with “You’re always at the store, what are you going to do, leave? Fuck ’em.”

More on this story as it develops.

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